The Thief of Baghead/Transcript
As the curtain rises on our verisimilidinous tableau, you're no doubt curious as to why I tricked you all into hang gliding here. Close-up. It seems someone in this room Is a murderer! (Gasps) It's me. But the real question is, which of you is the victim? And that secret I shall take to my grave. Calculon, no! (Moans) (Calculon moaning, choking) Now, that's acting. Calculon really shatnered the hell out of that scene. Hey, anyone want to go to the aquarium? They got a new non-biting otter. (Cheering) Sounds great! Non-biting otter! Fry: Wow. Aquariums have really changed since I was a boy and no one ever took me to them. Where's the glass? There isn't any. The water's held in place by gravity fields, so there's nothing for kids to smear yogurt on. I like strawberry yogurt. Can I touch the water? I wouldn't, but I'm smart. (Screams) Help! Police! At. Welcome To Jurassic tank. (Tex snorting, gasping) Picture time. Everybody get together. (Grumbling) Hang on, I need a tripod. Let me just extend the old third leg. (Whirring) Ooh, yeah. That's stable, baby. Just need to pick a lens. L's see zoom lens? Nope. They live lens? Eh, so-so. Twilight zone one-minute-in-the-future lens? Bender: Ooh, Calculon's going to be here. Better get my camera ready. Just take the damn picture! Let me just adjust the focus F-stop Shutter speed. Oops. Out of film. Hang on. (Others sigh, grumble) Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years. Digital? (Spits) No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain of good old film. How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras. And where can you possibly get film developed nowadays? Right here. You're looking at the last chemical darkroom in existence. Hey, Bender, isn't that Calculon? Calculon? No way! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan, and I've got a big camera. Can I get a big picture? (Sighs) Well, I was just airbrushed this morning, so all right. But make it snappy. Eh, that looked staged. Try one where you're pretending to swing a tennis racquet. Okay, okay, that's enough. I'm trying to enjoy a nice day out with the actors who play my TV family. These rare and fascinating deep-sea fish are extremely sensitive to light over here, Calculon! Come on, smile! Quit blinking! Red eye! Blurry! Lens cap's still on! Calculon: Oh, we finally eluded that obnoxious shutterbug. At last, we can enjoy our studio-mandated quality time. (Bender chuckles) ! I can't t work like this. I'll be in my day-off trailer. (Bender screams, burbles) And I took this one inside the Ichthyosaur's stomach. (Chucks) Man, I've never had anyone try so hard to digest me. Look, we've all been in a sea monster's stomach. But did you get any pictures of the Calculon? Yeah, but a true photo buff wouldn't even use these for toilet paper. Not if curtains were available. You're too hard on yourself, robot. These pictures are just as good as the ones in my celebrity tabloid. Leela: Us people magazine? That's total trash. Total celebrity trash. My inquiring organ wants to know. If you ask me, Bender should go to us people's office in Hollywood and see if they'd like his Calculon pictures. (Scoffs) I have no time for such foolishness. Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all. Bender, these shots of Calculon e great. In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo. Namely, a camera. Shut up. I know it. Wait a whatsa-whatzo? A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer. But it's not for everyone. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people. Hmm, I don't ow. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you. Sir, you just hired yourself a new whatsa-whatzo. Listen up, gang. I'd like to introduce you to Bender, the newest member of our paparazzo family. Nice to meet you. And even though it's only my first day, I want you all to know that I'm already better than you. Stay out of my way! (Slurps) ♪ ♪ I'm back, crab dip. What you watching? Only a documentary about the greatest actor in the world. Ah, yes Calculon. I happened to snap a picture of him taking some time with his biggest fan. No, not that scene-chewing ham. I said the greatest actor Langdon Cobb. Let's rewind, shall we? Narrator: Langdon Cobb The most acclaimed actor of his generation. Why's he wearing a bag on his head? They're explaining that right n. (Sighs) Let's rewind again. Narrator: Most acclaimed actor of his generation. He's raked in seven academy awards for best actor and o for best actress, all without ever removing his trademark bag. Mr. Cobb, you're an intensely private man Quite right, mm-hmm. And though billions of people have seen your wk, - no one has ever seen your face. - Mm-hmm. So tell us. Why the bag? Ah, yes, the bag. I've never understood people's fascination with that. The point is, I'm an actor and nothing more. I have no interest in being admired for something as inconsequential as my appearance or my personal life. All that t matters is The process. Narrator: Whether playing a beloved historical figure For Rigel 7 And all mankind! Narrator: Or a Victorian circus freak I want to see the real you. No, Daisy, don't! I tried to warn you. I'm hideous. To me, you're beautiful. Narrator: Langdon Cobb's acting is always "in the bag. " Truly, his is the most famous face in Hollywood. Even if no one's ever photographed it, nor ever will. Once again, television has given me a reason to live. A photo of Langdon Cobb without his bag? Impossible. He's got a 50-foot-high force field around his house. Bender: One 60-foot ladder, please. (Chuckles) (Pants, grunts) (Grunts) (Sneaky chuckle) (Growling) (Snarling) Oh! What are you, some kind of attack fungus? Or just a moldy schnauzer? (Barks, Bender yells) Oh, God, please let this tacky Hollywood mansion have the obligatory. Yes! Tuscan-inspired pergola! (Bender grunting, creature growls) (Chuckles) Peace out, Portobello. Thank you, Leroy. I'm going to relax by the fire with my bag off, so that will be all for the night. By your command. (Quietly): Come to paparazzo. (Gasps) - Gotcha! - No! Please, sir, I implore you, destroy that photo of me. It's not just my privacy I've been protecting all these years. If you show anyone that picture, there will be terrible consequences. The only thing terrible's going to be my bank account. Wait. Say that again, what say "tremendous consequences. " If it's money you're after, I'll pay whatever you ask. Just promise me you'll never show that photo to anyone. I swear on my honor as a paparazzo. Hey, Fry, want to see a picture? Sure. Hmm. He looked at the photo and that happened. But it could just be a coincidence. Yo, Amy, check it out. The evidence is mounting. Although two times hardly establishes a pattern. I'd feel more comfortable raising the alarm if I were a little more certain. Hey, how'd those two get deflated? They looked at this. (Gasps) That proves it. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb has a horrific effect on living creatures. (Door slides open) Hey, Zoidberg, look at this photo of Langdon Cobb. What, a picture of Langdon Cobb? Now, this I want to see as clearly as possible. Zoidberg, no! (Grunts) Oh, thank God, Professor. You got here just in time. Professor: I've seen this before. Langdon Cobb must be from Bryoria Six, home of the quantum lichen people. Well, that explains that. They're attention parasites. They feed on the admiration of their prey. Just like the noble buffalo. Nothing like a buffalo. Anyone who pays attention to the lichen is unknowingly feeding it. But gaze upon its face, even in a photograph, and your very life force will be sucked out, leaving you a flaccid husk. So the picture robbed them of the souls? Souls? Don't be ridiculous. It's their life forces that have been stolen. It's scientific. That's why the robot's immune. He has no soul. Life force! So, how do we get their "life forces" back? If we poke a hole in Cobb's bag, will they spew out like a volcano built on an Indian graveyard? Alas, it's not that simple. You e, just as the earth lichen is composed of an algae and a fungus, the quantum variety is also comped of two separed parts. An attractive algae-based id and a ravenous fungus based ego that stores the stolen souls. I mean, life forces. Now, here's the weird pa. The ego and the id are connected not physically, like decent, God-fearing earth liens, but by quantum entanglement. (Trilling) So the id is Langdon Cobb, but this fungus ego could be Anywhere, we'll never find it! Let's just give up and go to the aquarium again. Now, hold on. I feel like I was chased by a mushroom recently. Of course! The guard dog at Cobb's estate. That's the ego. All right, let's go. It'll be just like stomping a puppy. No, no, no. Subduing an actor's ego is no easy task. We'll have to weaken it first. Look, I own words that are helpful. It says the world acting championship is tonight in Hollywood. Quiet, Zoidberg. God, I wish you were a husk. No, it's Langdon Cobb versus Calculon. If we help Calculon win, will weaken Cobb's ego, may? Yes, yes, fine. (Petulantly) We never go where I want to go. So, the most galling of the paparazzi needs my help. Lo the worm has turned. Say cheese, Calculon without makeup. (Sighs) As much as I hate you, I hate Langdon Cobb more. He beats me out for every award, every role, every paternity suit. Besting him at acting means more to me than life itself. And we want to help you. Now, your only chance a classic death scene. One with a lot of thy's and thou's. Voilá. The tragic end of Rome o. And Julie t. That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy, by Will. I. Am Shakespeare. Now, here's the poison that Romeo uses to kill himself. Don't worry, it's just water and food coloring. Food coloring? The most poisonous substance known to robots? Oops, sorry. I'll swap it out for harmless battery acid. No. Wait. There's on one way to ensure victory. I must perform the ultimate death scene. Shall drink the actual poison And actually die. But but, Calculon, you can't kill yourself. I'm a celebrity. I can kill anyone I want! - Call it in the air. - Comedy. It's tragedy. Langdon Cobb will be first to take the stage. Bossy to stinky. Come in, stinky. Zoidberg: I always come in stinky. Standby. The competition's about to begin. (Groans) Hold your fire til Calculon's performance weakens the ego. Roger. Stinky over. Whoof! I beg to differ. I wish it had been me, Sully. I wish it had been me off-duty in the garden when those drug lords blew up the Celtics. But I was drunk, wicked drunk! Uh-oh. Cobb's doing a scene from beantown buddies. The audience is eating it up. Professor, what's your status? Not good! The attention Cobb's receiving is inflating his ego. It's going totally Kanye! Ah! There's a humungous fungus among us. Oh, Sully, you were the best partner I ever had, both on the be and in the sack. That's right, I said it. (Sobbing): I said it! Aah! (Sobbing) A tough act to follow. And now, to follow that act, performing the death scene from Romeo and Juliet, seven-time Oscar runner-up, Calculon! (Applause) (Soft piano notes play) Ah, dear Juliet, why art thou yet so fair? I will stay with thee; and never from this palace of dim night depart again. O, here will I set up my everlasting rest and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace and lips, of you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss. Here's to my love. (Gasping) Oh(Gurgling) (Death rattle) I can't believe he really did it. (Voice breaks): At lea he died knowing I was great. (Death rattle ends) (Applause and cheering) Uh-oh. That death scene was almost half believable. Cobb looks jealous and insecure. How's his ego doing? It's shrinking. Faster, Professor, kill, kill. Activating anti-fungal ray. It just has to warm up for about 15 minutes. (Roars) Ooh! Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, we have a unanimous decision. The winner, and heavyweight acting champion of the world, Langdon Cobb! Huh. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. Oh, God, he's basking in their admiration. That ego must be at least four feet tall by now. (Roars) (Professor, Zoidberg yelling) Aw, did you miss me, pookie? (Captives grunting and groaning) I can't watch! I better take some pictures. Wait a minute. When living creatures look at Cobb'b's photo, their life force gets sucked out. And Cobb's a living creature. I just need to show him a picture of himself. But I tore up the on picture of Cobb. And everybody knows, once you delete a photo, it's gone forever. Maybe a digital photo, but with film, I still ha the negative. Hurry, make a new print! I don't know how long I can distract Cobb's ego. Okay. I'll be in the darkroom. (Grunts) (Yelling) (Blow lands) Eh. Contrasts a little off on this one. (Grunting) (Shrieks) Bender, hurry up! This one is really good. But I can still do better. Who are you people? Why are you attacking my ego? You stole our friends' life forces. Ah, yes. I warned the robot, but he wouldn't listen. You see, I was once like the rest of my species, showing my face to one planet, draining its life force and moving on. T when I got to earth, I found a different kind of prey. Explain. (Grunts) You earthlings worship celebrity with such fervor that I can survive simply by milking your admiration. Milking and milking it through what we tors call The process. Oh, God, just kill us already! But you all discovered my secret. And for that, you will pay. Look at me! If we do, will you stop talking about the process? Never. Behold! (Cobb laughs) I'll save you, Leela, Professor and Zoidberg. Oops. Nonetheless, I finally nailed it. Ga upon this photo of yourself and start squirting out some soul-a-rrhea. It doesn't work that way, you imbecile. Although It's really quite a nice portrait. The contrast is exquisite. And the composition Sublime. I look spectacular. Ah, man. My great photo only made his ego bigger. . No! (Grunts) (Whooshing) (Gasping) Hey, Calculon's dead. What happened? Did you save us, Leela? Actually, no. For once, it was Bender. Really? Well, thanks for whatever you did, Bender. It was a lot. You'll never be able to pay any back. Now, gather round friends. So we can commemorate this moment in a photo. I gotta admit. This time it'll a pleasure to be in your picture. Say: "Bender is great. " Bender is great! Category:Season 7 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts